Money Madness

FIFA Evil Overlord / President Sepp Blatter once said that footballers are 'modern day slaves'. His typically offensive comments were unsurprisingly met with derision from most quarters; apparently people have a hard time sympathising with the plight of £100,000 a week primadonnas.

However, a quick look at the overly-dramatic language that the media use to describe transfers would seem to support Blatter's claims that 21st-century football basically equates to human trafficking. Here are a few of the most common examples to prove my point:

1. The Thrill of the Chase

Everton boss David Moyes chases Arsenal defender Philippe Senderos (Daily Mail)

Now I realise this transfer rumour is neither particularly recent or relevant, but I felt the need to include it just for the wonderful mental image of David Moyes literally physically chasing Philippe Senderos. You can just see it now; the poor simpleton Senderos awkwardly stumbling and bumbling as he tries desperately to escape the advances of his red-faced, red-haired pursuer.

The problem with transfer stories is that they are essentially very boring and static things, so the media feel the need to inject some action into them. Saying a manager is 'chasing' someone makes it seem like they are pursuing them to the ends of the earth, like separated lovers crossing the highest mountains and the deepest rivers in a quest to be reunited. In reality it just involves one bloke picking up the phone and asking another bloke 'how much do you want for that neolithic caveman (Senderos)?'.

2. Gotcha!

Chelsea close in on capture of the Brazil midfielder Ramires (Guardian)

A successful 'chase' ends up in the signing of a new player, and this is where the language really evokes the times of slavery. Again, to say Chelsea are simply 'signing' a new player is deadly dull, it simply involves someone scribbling a signature on a bit of paper. But to 'capture' someone conjures a different image entirely.

Let me set the scene. Chelsea's scouts / poachers have been adventuring through the deepest, darkest jungles of Brazil when they spot the most prized of footballing assets; the lesser-spotted box-to-box midfielder. Boom! A tranquillizer dart to the neck and shortly their new cargo is smuggled onto HMS Blue Peril for the long journey back to London. The poor lad wakes up days later to find himself in chains in Roman Abramovich's basement. Captured!

3. Ladies and Gentleman, may I present to you...

Blackpool unveil four new signings (Telegraph)

Having successfully chased and captured the desired targets, the next stage is the grand 'unveiling'. Personally this always reminds me of King Kong being brought to New York to be presented to the awe-struck public.

In Blackpool's case I imagine a grand spectacle at the foot of the Blackpool tower, Ian Holloway adorned in waistcoat and top hat whipping his adoring public into a frenzy. 'Roll up! Roll up! Come see the latest and greatest captures from the four corners of the globe!'. A drum roll follows before Holloway theatrically whips the velvet covers off the giant cage on the stage, the crowd oohing and aahing at the latest Blackpool heroes, that, in their dreams, might lead them to the lofty heights of a 19th placed finish in the Premiership.

Money to be Made

It wouldn't be much of a slave trade if there wasn't the possibility that we, the everyday punters, might be able to make a few quid off it, and Skybet's transfer specials offer some good odds. It has generally been a slow transfer period, barring mega-bucks Man City, but with a few big deals (get on with it James Milner) expected to be completed over the next few days it is very likely that the market will suddenly burst into life.

Craig Bellamy has been upsetting a few people recently (and by 'recently' I mean his whole excruciating career) and it looks like his time at City is up. Celtic have declared interest, and as such are favourites to sign him at 1/4, but the better value looks to be Spurs at 6/4. You can guarantee that Redknapp will be making some changes to his squad before the end of the window, and as such Spurs are central to many of the transfer rumours.

Tottenham are the favourites to sign Bolton's Gary Cahill (evens), West Ham's Scott Parker (5/6) and Aston Villa's Ashley Young (1/2), although none of those wagers represent great value. Better odds are available for Roque Santa Cruz to be reunited with Mark Hughes at Fulham (9/4), the manager that got the best out of him at Blackburn.

In the last two years there has been somewhat of an exodus of the top talent from the Premiership into mainland Europe, and we can expect a few more big names to leave our shores before the window shuts. Javier Mascherano has expressed a desire to rejoin his old boss Rafa Benitez at Inter Milan and offers good value at 6/4. Benitez will be keen to shape his new squad, and as such the possibility of ending Robinho's Man City nightmare may be tempting (5/2).

I hope you can sleep at night making a living off the modern-day slave trade. I'm sure you can.