England Expects, But Doesn't Really Know What To Expect

As with the build up to most World Cups, there are two prominent views on England's prospects for the tournament. One perspective brands the players as over-paid, over-rated primadonnas who shouldn't have even bothered making the trip because they will just crash out in the group stages and embarass the nation. The other perspective believes that these brave, proud English knights will capture the spirit of '66 and restore glory to the Empire once again. How did the nation's opinion ever become so divided?

The truth is, opinion is not actually divided at all. In fact, for the most part, these two seemingly contradictory perspectives are actually both held by every English person at the same time. It is part of our national identity to simultaneously build ourselves up and put ourselves down, and we might lean either way depending which side of the bed we got out on, whether the sun is shining or not, or if we have just seen a chest-thumping, Eng-Ger-Land all-for-one-and-one-for-all advert on the telly. Indeed, as ever, we have a particularly wonderful set of adverts this year to stoke our nationalistic pride and make us believe in our great country once again; will the nation be inspired by Danish beer (Carlsberg), Swiss chocolate (Kit Kat) or American soft drink (Coca Cola)?

Of course the truth lies somewhere in between the extremes. England, like a host of other teams, have a mix of some quality players, some weak links, and more than a few questions about how exactly those players will fit together. Lets start by looking at the players who make up Capello's squad for the finals, and a few who didn't make the cut. The big surprise in the chop down to 23 players was the omission of Theo Walcott, a player who was all-too-hastily hailed as England's future after his hat-trick in Croatia in the qualifiers. I personally would have been very tempted to take Theo for his potential to stretch a game as an impact sub, but I can see where Capello is coming from. Capello left Walcott out because of the speedy winger's lack of discipline in following his gaffer's orders. Walcott's quote following a typically frustrating performance against Mexico summed this up perfectly; 'I was happy with my performance. If I'm happy, that is the most important thing'. Ummmmm, sorry Theo, but you see that serious-looking Italian geezer who has been frowning at you for the last 90 minutes? I think it might be a tad more important that he is happy with your performance... The other player who missed out on going to South Africa after featuring in the friendlies was Leighton 'I've always found it really hard to be away from home' Baines. Homesickness!?! Really?! You have a shot at going to the bleeding World Cup and you start bitching about missing your comfort blanket back home in lovely Liverpool? P*ssy.

Of the players who did make the cut, six can truly be considered amongst the best in the world at their positions (and a couple are also leading contenders for World's Biggest Douchbag too, but naturally we all forget about that when they are wearing the three lions). John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney would all be star players for pretty much any team in the tournament. Rio's injury is a real pity for the team's chances and for the man himself (I have to admit to being somewhat of a fan of simple Rio, he always strikes me as a bit of a cross between Ali G and Tim-Nice-But-Dim). Terry and Gerrard are both coming off relatively underwhelming seasons, while Lampard and Cole are playing as well as they ever have. But analysing their individual form kind of misses the point, especially when it comes to Lampard and Gerrard. It has been the eternal question of England's so-called 'golden generation'; how do we get the best out of both Lampard and Gerrard at the same time?

The Lampard - Gerrard problem has cost previous England managers their jobs, and I have a strong suspicion it will be the undoing of Capello too. The desperation to include Gareth Barry in the squad, to avoid having to deploy the two in a centre midfield pair together, indicates that Capello is aware of this. But even with Barry available is anyone really confident that Capello has a clear idea of the best way to set out his team? The fact of the matter is we are still relying on the same players from four years ago, and the squad has many of the same problems of four years ago, yet we expect different results. Lets hope Capello has more of a set plan in his mind than the shambolic recent friendlies have suggested. It may be stating the obvious but Wayne Rooney is very much the key man in this whole thing. He has established himself as one of the greatest players on the planet, and if England are to do well at this tournament it will be because he has managed to recapture the devastating the form that he was in for United at times last season. How to get the best out of Rooney, and who to play alongside him, will be the subject of another blog.

So, do England have a chance? The answer is yes... but so do about ten other teams. My prediction is that we will go out to the first decent team we meet in the knockout stages (possibly Germany in the 2nd Round... penalties.... it seems all too depressingly predictable) and suddenly all of the attributes that Capello has been praised so much for in his time with England will be turned around and used against him, in exactly the same way that in 2006 Sven went from being a cool, calm and collected tactical mastermind to an aloof, uncaring, passionless buffoon in the space of a month. It is the nature of the job - the position on the pedestal is rarely deserved, and neither is the public stoning that follows. However, for all my cynicism, whenever I see John Barnes rapping, whenever I see Beefy Botham waving Excalibur, whenever I see Phil 'The Power' Taylor nailing the Hand of God, part of me believes. Presumably that is the same part of me that is addicted to chocolate and beer.