From the Beautiful Game to the Blame Game

As the post-mortem of England's abysmal performance rages on I feel it is only right that I get to jump on the band-wagon and present my top 5 (alternative) reasons for our World Cup Epic Fail.

5. The Language Barrier

Now I don't want to seem prejudiced in any way, but there are always going to be difficulties when the top man cannot be understood by those beneath him. It was painfully evident that the communication was just not there; players repeatedly drifting out of their assigned positions, passes to nobody, defensive lapses, all classic signs of a lack of communication. But what can you expect when your captain is a Liverpudlian? Everybody knows that Stevie G sounds like a mouse suffering a helium overdose.

4. Lack of Alcohol

After England's glorious, all-conquering 1-0 thrashing of the mighty Slovenia the tabloids triumphantly declared that the win was down to the fact that Capello had let his players enjoy a beer or two the night before the game. Obviously this makes perfect sense; 100-grand a week professionals have always needed a bit of a tipple before they can do their jobs properly. After all, you wouldn't see a brain surgeon begin an operation without a quick chug on the sterilising alcohol first, would you?

I contend that Capello didn't take this booze session far enough. It is widely known in football circles that Wayne Rooney's pre-match warm-up for Man Utd consists of downing ten WKD blues; the sugar content gives him his relentless energy while the horrible, horrible alcohol gives him the 'fiery passion' that the pundits constantly remind us is such an important part of his game.

3. Tiredness

Now you might be thinking that this is not in any way an 'alternative' reason for England's p*ss-poor performance. True, everybody from the press to Capello himself have suggested that the lengthy Premiership season left our players physically and emotionally drained. However, the fact that the German's had, on average, played more games throughout the season than their English counterparts proves that this excuse is complete and utter b*llocks.

However, the players did certainly look tired out there (never more so than Barry's attempt to chase back for Germany's third goal - it looked like he was running in honey). So what was the reason for this tiredness? My imaginary source inside the England camp let me know the real reason, and I warn you, it isn't pretty. David James' debilitating addiction to video games has tragically returned, and what's more, it has spread to the rest of the England squad.

The problem was that Capello had banned video games, meaning the players were forced into shameful all-night gaming binges in James' hotel room after the gaffer had gone to bed. This also explains Frank Lampard's assertion after the Germany match that England had been in control of the game. Clearly he was thinking about the 6-0 thumping they gave the Krauts on FIFA at 4.23am the previous morning.

2. Internal Strife

Throughout the whole campaign there was speculation about players falling out with other players, players falling out with the manager, players falling out with the football, even players falling out with the local wildlife in South Africa. The press have promised that, over time, these internal disputes will come to light and we will be able to fully understand why England were quite so sh*te.

The rumour that I heard / completely made up was that John Terry has slept with every single player's wife, mistress, mother and sister. When he found out that Joe Cole didn't have a sister he slept with Cole's pet guinea pig, Bubbles, instead.

1. The Number One So-Ridiculous-It-Could-Never-Be-True Most Outlandish Reason for England's Exit

I understand I have been a bit out-there with my speculation as to why England failed, so why stop now? Maybe, and I know this sounds completely insane, but just maybe, we aren't half as bl**dy good as we think we are.